The hustle bros and their impulse to control

Keep the scary thoughts away with $200 facial tape

Welcome back to Ordinary Delusions, a newsletter searching for answers in the sea of bullshit that is 2025.

This week we’ve got:

→ The hustle bros and their $200 facial tape

→ Beard transplants, which are apparently a thing now?

→ My work in GQ and SSENSE

→ The promising seeds growing in the shit of Trump’s America

→ The rich Americans buying an exit plan

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Ashton Hall, one of those fitness influencer / hustle bro / personal trainer / life coach guys, has broken the internet with videos of his insane morning routines. He gets up at 3:55am, removes his $200 facial tape, does some Patrick Bateman skincare, accidentally smashes a fancy bottle of sparkling water after doing some push ups (he has someone to pick the shards up for him), uses another bottle to give his face an ice bath, dumps his essentials into a Goyard duffle before hitting the gym. At 9am he hops on a work call and tells someone they need to get at least 10,000 of…something. He cruises around in a G Wagon and has a lot of muscles and a penthouse. And someone to hand him his clothes.

Ryan over at Garbage Day points out that this unhinged day-in-the-life content mixes together a bunch of Tik Tok trends (apparently rubbing a banana peel on your face is a thing on there). Which probably explains why it’s gone so viral: according to the New York Times Hall has racked up nearly a billion views on them. Guys with “alpha male” in their usernames are calling him king.

There’s tons of this kind of stuff online and it says a lot about where men are at in this era.

Controlling behaviors are driven by “high levels of internal anxiety” according to Psychology Today. “The impulse to control serves a protective function against feelings of vulnerability, which controlling people associate with powerlessness.” And boy is there a lot to feel anxious and vulnerable about these days! There’s no good jobs anymore, houses are unaffordable, rent is a rip off and going to university will put you in debt for most of your life.

Facing a world that is senselessly unfair, the hustle bros turn inward and control. Life is a spreadsheet and all the numbers need to go up. Inner calm is a productivity hack, not something that’s just, you know, human. Optimize your sleep patterns by viewing sunlight at the correct time of day. More from Psychology Today: “people with controlling tendencies are frequently successful in their careers. They manage people, meet goals, and are relentlessly goal-driven.”

When everything is within your control, then anyone who can’t hustle their way to the top is a loser. Lots of these guys sell supplements. Ashton Hall’s training plans start at $3300. The platinum program is $8250.

You can see how this mentality easily leads to Trump and Elon, two mega famous narcissist gazillionaires. We can assume that anyone who goes to lengths this extreme to optimize their life and chase success is also kinda miserable. Do any of these guys have friends?

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Speaking of weird shit men are doing, apparently beard transplants are a thing now.

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GQ interviewed me about the #NoBuy trend that’s been brewing on Tik Tok recently. The clue is in the name: the kids want to quit shopping. Tik Tokers are giving out tips for reusing everything in their wardrobe (awesome), the categories they’re avoiding (clothes, but also beauty products, fragrances and tech) as well as budgeting advice for what to do with the money you’re not spending on clothes (also awesome).